the sea’s wine red

March 17, 2010 in Uncategorized
Tags: alcohol, anorexia, anorexia nervosa, calories, college, college student, crush, drinking, eating disorder, existential crisis, failure, fear, grades, guilt, reality, shame

Relapsed. I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I love being in college, but being sick in college is killing me. Literally. I can’t get to some of my classes, I’m very behind on work, and I’m basically just surviving. This isn’t like me at all. I’m used to doing everything right and being the student every professor loves.

I screw up, so I stop eating. I stop eating, so I screw up more. It’s the very definition of a vicious cycle.

What triggered this relapse is:

• An overwhelming feeling of guilt brought on by increasing my intake to around 1,000 calories/day.
• Added guilt because I’ve been too depressed and anxious to keep my perfect attendance in tact.
• A need to be noticed.
• A need to go unnoticed.
• Men. Or man. Or a man, a woman who has this man’s attention, and a woman who is intentionally making me feel bad about how I relate to this man. This is the most specific reason.
• Overdrinking, “drunkorexia.”
• An urge to create and an inability to do so.

A lot is going on, and also, nothing at all. Maybe none of those reasons are true. Maybe I’m just bored. I surely don’t know, I never know what’s right. About 53% of the time I’m not even aware of the things that are going on around me.

I don’t feel real anymore.

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